"Be the Change you wish to see in the world" -Gandhi "I will be a Hummingbird, I will do the best that I can." -Wangari Maathai "Where stereotypes begin with a grain of truth, cliches begin with a boulder" - George Watsky "And she's gonna learn, that this life will hit you - hard - in the face - wait for you to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach, but getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs, how much they like the taste of air." - Sarah Kay "Do not fear what has blown up. If you must, fear the unexploded." -Suheir Hammad

Second Day Update

2 days ago I made an announcement. In an attempt to portray the negativity that I am currently trying to rid my life of, I may have skewed what exactly my new found confidence entails. Here is the gist of it.

I will be me. Cliche, yes, but I will no longer be the lovable shapeshifter. I will not try to please every living soul around me, in fear that I won't be loved. I am loved. Im loved by a wide range of people, so if one person doesn't like me, why should I change myself to obtain their approval?

But with this, I will also allow myself to say and do things that I feared before. Things I thought would make people run in the other direction, I will now embrace because they are me. I am me. Awkward is me. Loving is me. Scared is me. Vulnerable is me. Curious is me. Belting in the car is me. Rolling down fields is me. Meditating in my bedroom is me. Daydreaming of world peace is me. Observing plants is me. Del-Mex Taquitos is me. Sweat pants is me. Music is me. Late night snacks is me. I am me. I will not change me any longer. I will embrace these things, and with that embrace a new positive outlook. I will be confident. I will be happy. I will be helpful, I will be loving. If you do not like me, or what makes up me, I will no longer delete items of my life in an effort to morph into you.

I will not try. I will do.

No more filters

When I was a little girl, my dad used to tell me, "think before you speak". It was a common lesson that was retold and retold to me before it actually sunk in. When I was little it was a precaution so I didn't share things that were going on in my parents lives with their family and friends. Soon, it became a survival instinct as I grew into my preteen years and finally my "adult" life. But this filter that I've had to install needs to be changed. Instead of letting ideas flow through my mouth and into the world, it's become clogged and more of a barricade than a filter. But if I lift off my old filter off the process to change it requires that there is a moment with no filter. A moment where what I think comes out in full force. This full force could ultimately hurt someone around me, while relieving the pressure off of me. I don't want that. I don't want a filter. I want a continuous stream of me. One that is steady and comforting. The more filters I replaced the more I morph into what society wants me to be. I don't want society. I don't want to fit in. I want to be me. I want to be accepted for me.
I've become a part of America's workforce at age 18. I don't go out with friends, except for the occasional overnight movie session, because I don't have money and I'm just too tired. My life consists of working! so that I can have an education, so that I can work more, so that I can make money, so that I can have nice things, so that I can have friends. Friends that wint exist if I continualky work and neglect those relationships. Since when is that superficial lifestyle mine? When did I turn into a robot?
As I replace filters, and robotically work for a living, I have deteriorated friendships and an almost nonexistent relationship with my family. I don't listen to music as an experience anymore, but just as a comfort of what once was. I watch tv for entertainment, because I can't afford anything else. If I try reading, I fall asleep. I haven't traveled since last year, and I don't have any plans anytime soon. I am a robot, trapped in the cycle of the workforce.
I want to break free. I want to be the invincible teenager that everyone teases, but why would they tease, let alone notice, if everyone wasn't just jealous of when the too thought nothing could touch them.
So, starting today at 1:18 p.m. on July, 14, 2012, I will be me. I will be happy. I will do the things that bring positivity to my life and to the lives of those around me. I will no longer be a cog in the machine of America. I will be the sore thumb that sticks out. I will be the yellow fish in a sea of black fish. I will be the patch of sunlight in a storm. Because how can you enjoy this world, if you are trying to constantly fit in with those who don't know what they're doing either?

"One tiny moment in time
For life to shine, to shine
Burn away the darkness
You've got one tiny moment in time
For life to shine
To burn away the darkness"