"Be the Change you wish to see in the world" -Gandhi "I will be a Hummingbird, I will do the best that I can." -Wangari Maathai "Where stereotypes begin with a grain of truth, cliches begin with a boulder" - George Watsky "And she's gonna learn, that this life will hit you - hard - in the face - wait for you to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach, but getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs, how much they like the taste of air." - Sarah Kay "Do not fear what has blown up. If you must, fear the unexploded." -Suheir Hammad

Continuation

Ok so on my last blog I talked to you about basically how technology has ruined us. Let me clear things up. This is because when people are given choice like that, they sometimes choose to abuse. This leads to the things mentioned prior. So now, what sucks, is that even though I want to kick technology in the butt, I can't. Because the only way to survive in this world is with technology. By survive I mean, live a fulfilling life. Education systems now require tech credits. We can't run from it. We also have the ability to become hermits and live in the forest. So that's always a choice. But it's sad how dependent we are on technology. It's very very sad. I want to have the world, for just one day, not use technology. Just one day. To see what we would do. Walk where we need to go. To talk to people. Don't buy anything. On a Saturday, so no one is late for work. Just to try it out. Hmm. I'll spread the word somehow.....Just try it though. Try even an hour. Then when you get good. Go the whole day. Wait for the sun to go down. Then do one day. Just ease into it.....

Simple.


*Play the music at the bottom*Think of something simple in your life. Isn't it nice. Nothing to worry about. It just does what it does without you having to waist time worrying about it. Just the occasional check up to say hi. Can't think of anything? Think of the sun. The earth. The rain. The earthly things around you. Not man made, or planted. But the things that were always there. They're nice right? Self sufficient. So why do we surround ourself with things/people who may better our lives for an extended amount of time, but later cause stress. Either fixing, mending, or replacing. This includes the expenses of course to do all of this. Either financially or emotionally. I was trying to figure out why I enjoyed learning so much about history at the beginning of the year, but found it a drag near the end of first semester. I uncovered the mystery. I've always been fascinated with early life. How in touch they were with nature. How simple they were, and also how much they accomplished.

Early Civilizations:
Agriculture
Civilizations
Culture
Language

Modern Civilizations:
Cellphone
Internet
Movies
Religion
War

Now of course given we don't know EVERYTHING about hunter/gatherers, but they were a lot more in touch with what was around them. They were simple, without worrying about what other's thoughts. Things of today are too complicated. We get too emotional. We need to just let ourselves relax. Worry about what matters. Bills? no. Eating out? no. Cellphones? no. (yes I realize I just said that) Internet? no. We should worry about the things that matter. The simple things. These things matter, and always don't need to be worried about. As green as this sounds, how often do you worry about the sun? The trees? The ocean? Nope. They've always been there for you. Just providing what you need, without wanting anything in return. Unlike how we are today. Never need to be fixed, unless you give the trees and grass and plants some of that fertilizer crap. That stuff will enhance for awhile but what happens when you go up? You have to fall back down. The plants get sick. Let them live normally, they'll survive. I want you all to think. What do you need to worry about in your life? Those things aren't simple are they? Now think of what you don't need to worry about? Love those things. Because everything else nowadays is like a drug. Like technology. (every type of technology imaginable). It makes our lives better for awhile. We're on a "high" but eventually we have to come back down, and when we do, it hurts. We see evil things. Then we blame others. Like Satan. Yes he's bad. But he didn't place porn on your computer. He placed the advancement of computers. We don't need them. They were nice to be able to email grandma, but now you have a virus and Timmy can't get on cause he's only 4 and he doesn't need to know things just yet. But have you ever had to worry about sitting outside? Yes it might rain, but things dry up. Awe...is your new shirt ruined? Why did you buy such a nice shirt anyway? You don't need it. And that money could've been used elsewhere. I don't care if you think I'm a green freak...I don't care if you think I'm high(which I'm not). It's true what I'm saying. And you know it is. People of the beginning of time had it figured out. Why did we try to "make it better" and mess it up?

Why?

So I'm in a very "deep" mood.

I want to know why there are certain rules. No Murder, burglary, vandalism, I get that. But social rules like, You can't wear that. You can't say that. You can't do that. It's wrong. And yet most of us abide by them. Why? Why do we conform to what others think is best, even though they're learning as you do. Why do we make fun of what other people are doing wearing or saying? Who said that it wasn't cool? And what makes you cool? Why do we try to stop other's creativity? Why do we think that lives need to be lived a certain way? Why are there ideas of the perfect american family? With a mother, who stays at home but is always made up and cleaning the house. A father, who works with a briefcase at a cubicle job. A son who plays soccer and has only guy friends with brown hair and freckles. A daughter who always has long brown braids and plays with Barbie and her girl scouts. And Spot, their lovable golden retriever in their two story red brick house surrounded by a white picket fence. Now I want all of you to think how close that is to your own life. If it's so different, then why do we have ideas of perfection? Perfection is meeting your own standard for yourself. So why are there exclusive clubs? Why are there qualifications? Why is there a reason for the word rejection? Why do you think we have suicide, columbine, hatred, drug abuse, divorce, lies, hypocrites. Because we're all trying to meet this "perfect" standard in life. Where did this standard come from? Why hasn't it been abolished?

Why are people so simple-minded? Why don't people wonder anymore? Why don't kids want to learn anymore? They take it as punishment. Because the education system says kids need to know quantum mechanics for life, and also where Mesopatamia is located and why it's important to history. They say we need to know how to do math with no application but a passing grade for college. But if it's so important, how come when kids ask there parents for help, the parents don't remember? Because it's not important. It's stored in short term memory until Mid terms or Finals. Then when the kid finds something they personally are interested in, they quickly remove algebra, chemistry, and history. This, in my opinion, makes learning this stuff useless. But kids need to take it to get into a good college. But average grades and average extracurriculars don't get an average kid anywhere.

So back to the perfect american family. Their average. So when average johnny applies for average college, he won't make it, because he's too average. He's then forced to work at a low end job tearing his family slowly apart.

So once again, why is being the perfect average american family good? Why must we follow society's social class rules? When that gets us no where but into depression?

If you pull anything from my blog, pull this:
Follow what you believe, yearn for your passion, fight for your individuality. This will in turn make you a stronger happier and more unique individual. Ready for what the world has to offer you and not made too comfortable by your "perfect life".

On the Radio

So Katie Morgan one of my dear friends put a status up with lyrics from a song called "On the Radio" by Regina Spektor. And the lyrics in it just struck a chord with me right now.

"This is how it works You're young until you're not You love until you don't You try until you can't You laugh until you cry You cry until you laugh And everyone must breathe Until their dying breath"


I just love that. Things just are that way. There's not really transition phases. It's there and gone. Except it. Don't try and change things. They are the way they are for a reason. So here's my add on to that:

  • Cougars, stop going for guys younger than you. You're old, now go find someone your own age cause, "You're young until you're not,"
  • People stop staying with someone and lying to yourself that you're still in love, you're not. And it's pointless to torture yourself like that. And don't say I love you if you're not. They can't get mad. You just don't feel that way. And don't move if you don't love the person, it's just lying to yourself cause, "You love until you don't,"
  • Don't push yourself too far. There's only so much a person can possibly do. And it's not everything cause, "You try until you can't,"
  • Don't focus on bad things. They're depressing. Laugh so hard you cry, until your stomach hurts, because those are the things you remember cause, "You laugh until you cry,"
  • If you do start crying, then pout for two seconds and think of something positive, start laughing with tears strolling down your face, everything seems a lot less troublesome cause, "You cry until you laugh,"
  • Don't be stupid, don't prolong or shrink your life span. It's there and you will breathe until you die and you need to cause, "Everyone must breathe until their dying breath."
So that kinda gave me a little lightbulb. In case y'all cared:)

pessimistic vs. optimistc

I Hate:
fake people
hypocrites
story toppers
people who think they're cute when they hate Obama or anyone else"because their gay".
people who try to control other people (especially me)
people who were handed everything their whole lives so they start drama and then in adulthood they don't know how to work
people who are annoying/creepers
california

I Love:
cotton candy days (perfect days to sell cotton candy)
rain
wet rocks
good times/memories
meditating
singing
deep hidden meanings
long conversations
cold nights with warm fires
warm nights outside with and oscillating fan
laughter
people who love me
football and baseball games
photography
inspiring photos
inspiring quotes
good music
big dinners followed by reminiscing
beach shores with blue water

Just thought I'd let y'all know randomly:) In case y'all were wondering. Notice which list is bigger

Meditation


I hate trying to be coerced into something. I hate coercing people into doing things. We have free will. But I also hate waiting for people's reactions. Patience is something I need more of. I need to meditate or something. It's really relaxing. You should try it. Just to think and be in the moment. Not dwelling on the past or anticipating the future, but realizing the moment that your in and making to best of it. It's very relaxing. No drama to worry about, no school/work, no planning, just you in that moment. And not the fake you that you put up when being watched by various people, that acts like everyone wants you to. The you that is content with everything you do. Doesn't matter what you wear, do with your hair, music you like, or anything. The you that wants you to relax and be happy. That you is inside of you. And meditation pulls it out. It's amazing. And you don't need to cross your legs in crazy poses or light candles and hum. Just breathe deep and clear your mind. By then coercing isn't a problem. People doing what they want makes you a happier person. You truly feel happy for people, and you can for once be at peace with yourself and your surroundings. I think I'm gonna go meditate.

Happy Turkey Day


Ok not the reason I wanted to put a blog out there. Ok what do you do when:
1.you have someone who thinks they're in love, but the other person is a bad person.
2.you like someone, you find out they like you, and you make a move and they turn you down.

1. you be happy for that person because they're stubborn. You comfort them when the other person screws them over. But what about when this isn't the first time? You still just led them do their own thing. Obviously they're very trusting, so they think this person is different. They won't learn just by you saying something. So good luck to them.....

2.Me? I'd give up. I don't like to give things like this my all. If they don't want to act on it then they don't want to. Don't push 'em. Don't focus on it. In high school you don't need to focus on that, that's what the rest of life is for, and it's so dramatic and stresses people out. So I'm done. I'm not going to try anymore.

Anyhoo life is good. Things are lining up again. Drama WILL cease soon. It better. I'm tired of it. This song is good Hate Me by Blue October (in my playlist). I'm gonna get off, but happy turkey day:) eat alot and enjoy the beautiful day:)

badabada bum!


bright side bright side! our house is clean! woohoo! I'm happy about that. Later we're going to hang with the rest of the swope clan, and I have to take pictures for photo still, four rolls. Ugh.... I wonder how i'm gonna get this done. I have to take a roll of film from what I think about this song, Visions of Johanna by Bob Dylan. I don't know what to do for it. It's really confusing song, ugh I'll try anyway, and I have to take a roll and then damage the negatives. Then a roll of film of the butterfly project, and finally my year long, which is taking odd portraits. You'll see soon:) Oh my gosh! Did y'all know when I write this blog I play my playlist from the blog, because I ABSOLUTELY LOVE imogen heap now, and of course bob marley, and then kings of leon. Do y'all think it's weird when you look at your facebook picture and you're wearing the same thing you were in the picture. It's creepy. I'm gonna go get ready......done! I put more pictures up on facebook:) yay me. today is pretty, it's a cotton candy day (a day that would be perfect for selling cotton candy) Five guys sounds good. I want to get out and do something! erg....badly! wow Michael just texted me and told me that Guiseppe just had sex with his girlfriend five times since 9 (around when he started texting me) I say take a break but that's just mean. Now michael's gotta keep up. I should keep a tally for who's in the lead. That would be funny. I think I might, so Guiseppe=5 Michael=0 tisk tisk michael.....

just stay positive just stay positive....what do we do? we stay positive:)


ok...so....positivity is hard. I'm trying to stay positive [:)] but when things push against you it's hard. I'll keep trying though. Won't give up. Ugh. So right now I like this guy right. But the thing is that I don't usually like people. Some of you just rolled your eyes, but it's true, I'm gonna be honest I just wanted to like someone for the sake of liking someone. Now I actually like this person, so it's frustrating. And I don't know what to do. And someone may have told me they like me back, but guess what. That helps me none. Nothing has changed. Erg. This is why I'm a firm supporter in cooties, boys were less complicating when they were around.

Rebecca is one of the most amazing people in the world, because:
she defeated chuck norris
she sparkles.
Sorry random I know, but I promised her I would give her a shout out. (for requests on shout outs text me). I took a picture of Laura (painted with white paint and red/blue/green/orange tribal symbols and had her dress in all black, then made her eyes super dark) under the highway by the bayou because there was graffiti under there and I might send in the picture to a contest for photo. I'm kinda excited:) I want to go on a road trip, or sit in a field ALL day and just meditate. Wouldn't that be awesome. Do you know what sucks, having small birthdays since you were 13, so you could have a super huge birthday for 16th which you want to go to San Antonio, and finding out that you probably can't. It sucks. Maybe my mom can take me, but she said to do that she wants my dad to give back the child support for that month. (another reason I hate divorce). If you could get anything out of this blog, and it's a deep hidden meaning, it's to accept what you have, make the best of it, even if it's hard. Life may seem to suck sometimes, but that's just one chapter in your book of life, make your book a bestseller and turn boring things into stories, take chances, and make the best of it.

so i wrote earlier...but....


ok so I've done some thinking. I need to be less negative. It's going to be hard, since the world is very negative, but I need to. I need to learn to relax, and get over little things, because they are the things, that make me mad. I honestly don't want to be so stressed. So I'm trying it for the next two weeks to just laugh things off. Looking at the brightside. Because dwelling and hating is getting me no where. So if you see me being negative try and remind me. Thank you.

Wow.


How long has it been? FOREVER! I don't even know. I've had SO much to do this year with school. I just got done with region last night. It was fun:) 11 1/2 hours of singing. Ugh this year has been good though. Like with friends. New friends, old friends, new old friends(aka "reconnecting"). None of that love/like/high-school-crush crap anymore. Well maybe. Idk. I kinda like this kid, but I'm tired of rushing into things. It's like a new chapter. Wow am I gay? No. What the whole "chapter" thing was trying to say was that I'm going to go slow, if there were anything. Ugh. Then there's this other kid. Who actually shows interest. I kinda like him too, but I barely know him. So I seem like a whore, and a preppy little love sick girl. Great. Do you know how stressful school is this year. I'm pretty sure only STUDENTS know, and parents bring it upon themselves to worry. Wow yea so something drastic that has changed, my beliefs on the world. I'm at the point where I believe there is a God, I believe he's already chosen who's going to heaven, so why should I care if or even try to change that? Plus if you are chosen, then you should be able to have fun on earth while you can. And this whole wrathful god thing, yea I'm pretty sure it's not true. I just think he likes reality shows. So yea and I'm trying to be more relaxed, not care about a lot of things, not be negative. Although my outlook on love can be looked at as negative sometimes (i.e. I'm killing myself at 50 so I don't get old, I don't die before then) even though they're positive. Oh and I'm getting a tiger when I'm 19. For sure. While I'm in college. I'll keep him in the zoo, then when I get out I'll take him home with me:) Church with mom now, so I better start getting ready.

change.

so far: no better.
kinda feel worse.
life sucks.
it's like a roller coaster.
school=escape
sleep=escape
everything else=hell.
ugh. i don't like this. i never liked any of this.
it was forced upon me, and i was supposed to change with it. without a goodbye? without saying everything's ok just a few adjustments. everything will go back to normal?
nope they didn't say it, because it wouldn't.
i'm fine with alot of things.
i truly am.
but i still want to have things i can continue. i don't want everything to change.
but everything did.
so i tried to change with it.
it felt awkward at first.
but i grew into it.
everthing seemed to change every few months.
i grew used to change all the time.
if something didn't change it felt weird.
apparently i shouldn't of changed.
but it felt right.
now i'm screwed.
i changed too much.
i guess they just wanted a couple of changes.
not a new person.
just a new life.
but i misunderstood i guess.
that happens alot today. in the times.
i wish i was in second grade again.
that seems to be the last time i remember being "truly" happy.
people always ask that.
when were you last truly happy.
i just say then because i was innocent and didn't know things were wrong.
and when things changed.
i was always looked at as being able to just accept and move on.
truth i never really got to accept it.
and no matter how much they say that change wasn't my fault.
their unhappiness all those years was, since i was the reason they went through hell.
i guess i was expected to go through the change and come out strong and able to handle everything.
be a role model to kids.
but i don't want to grow up just yet.
i feel like my childhood was robbed of good memories.
memories other kids had that didn't go through the change.
traditions, routines, their's weren't messed up.
i think i kinda resent them.
i want that.
time has passed though.
and the change led to other changes.
it's too late now.
and the other changes were good.
but i never got to say goodbye to the old life.
i was thrust into a new one and expected to say nothing of the old life, for fear it would bring up bad memories, or discomfort.
i miss that life alot sometimes.
i just wish i had a piece of it still....somewhere.
but the change takes all.
the change is a turning point in your life.
like how chrsitians use Jesus's birth to define years.
people use their personal change to define things.
and before the change is gone forever after the change takes place.
a bunch of people know this feeling.
i sympathize.
i hope they handled it better.
and don't feel how i feel now.

so at this moment.

I was not fine before. I had thoughts happy people don't have. I covered it up though. I did things i shouldn't. To help the pain. Then I was happy again. People couldn't tell the difference but I was genuinely happy this time. Now not so much again. I'm going back to what was. I don't like the being happy seen anymore. My old scene, much more cozy. I'm accepted, I don't feel weird. Less to do. Stuff inside doesn't seem so real. How I feel is how I feel. Oh how I wish people understood. I think i'm getting off now. To sleep. That seems nice. To not feel. Numbness.......nice.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!


no homework! woohoo! i will party tonight!!! ahhhh! yes amazing feeling! I should've done this years ago! hahahaha all of you are doing homework? suckers!


YOU ALL FAIL AT LIFE!

No.


Life in my world consists of music, family, friends, fun, school, me. (not in that order all the time). But I cannot be summed up in one paragraph. One story. One book. I won't tell you about all of me. I probably don't trust you. I don't trust alot of people. I trust probably 3 or 4 people. Sure alot of people think that they know about me. That they know exactly what I'm talking about when I say all of me. But you don't. Because not even the people I trust know all of me. My life is complex and always changing. I sometimes don't know me. I know what I believe, what I think, what I want or need. But is that me? Or is there more to me? Do you know? No. Because I probably don't trust you enough to tell you what i think feel believe want or need. I'm a very untrusting person. Especially right now. Nothing special has happened for me to think that. I just want to party and forget about it ALL though. I want to leave everything behind me. But can I? No. Because it's shaped me so it will always be with me. Is that fair? No. Because it's like doing all the work and not getting the paycheck. I've moved on and tried to be a better person, but do I get to leave it behind which is all I want? No. Because life is unfair. So my advice to you. Don't expect. Don't hope. Don't want. Don't love. Don't hate. Because it will all change. And all you will have is a memory of the time you wasted over the impossible. Will you feel better? No. Will you ever? No.

Life is a show!


I love degrassi goes hollywood. I cried twice. Really sad. anyhoo! School is tomorrow. It doens't feel like it though. ugh. I don't want summer to end. I'm ready and everything. But it doesn't seem real. Like at all. It's weird. I want to see friends. And I'm excited for photo 2 and choir 2. And in a weird way world geo/history. BEcause when I get those done AUTO TECH! ahhhh! I cannot wait. Anyway this might be like the last time for awhile. Homework. Reading. Drama (dreaded but I will have to deal with...maturely of course). So this might be the last one for a long time. Please don't cry. You can text me if you have my number! Which is always a plus. haha. So see you later:)


Love for Bob Marley<33

advice we can't take


Everyone gives advice. Either when asked for it or when they think it's time for them to step in. I am guilty of it myself. I give alot of advice to people. Especially when it comes to the opposite sex, because people are too lost in a fairytale to take a step back into reality and look around. I try not to be like that. I try to say, "Hey you know what? I'm in high school I don't need this drama." But lately I have kind of liked this guy. Not alot no about it because what usually happens is I am in denial about for some time. Then when I finally realize it it's too late because he has moved on. Happened again. And I'm am honestly cool with it. I just keep kicking myself because I let it happen again. What's worse? We were really good friends and now he's kind of drifting away. This is exactly why I don't let people in usually. Because they leave. They change. They move on. I have very few and selected friends I actually have let in. Thank the Lord they have not left...yet. I used to be a very being optimist. But alot of things happened in my life and my trust in people was betrayed by someone who should never betray trust. Now I have hired a contractor to build a 6 foot wall with elctric fencing at the top and a moat with alligator, pirahna, and Nessie around my true self. Of course my parents know the real me (on side of them does). But I don't really show myself. Actually the weird thing is I show myself in this blog. But I try so hard to keep some people happy. Others of course I don't care and probably never will, but I just don't show it. And I always tell people be yourself and yet I'm a hypocrite because I'm not myself. Do you understand how complicated I am. I woke up last night at 1 and though I should get water.....then I started thinking about all of this. Which is not good at 1 in the morning because I can't think clearly and I imagine the worst. And I thought about how I absolutely love when the sky has so many clouds that you can't tell whether the gray part is cloud or sky and whether the dark blue part is cloud or sky.

Someday...

Hopefully I will oneday be able to take pictures like this.... but practice and patience is in store for me.....ugh. I'm in h-town trick! I love that song. I like that one and the cancun one. I want the shirt that says "HEY!" on the front. and on the back it says "You lookin kinda cute!" haha way too awesome not to own. And I would wear it to!

STAY IN SCHOOL


Ok so I officially am staying in school and working m hardest! Because after filing papers at Maren's work honestly I can't do it. my back hurts. A close call on some paper cuts. Fast food for lunch. ugh. I'm buckling down this year. I am not doing this whole slacking off thing. And everyone who knwos me knows honestly why I slacked off for some of last year. NOT HAPPENING AGAIN. nope. I'm sticking too it. School HAS TO come first! I can't do the ack problems and share a fertile office with three preganat ladies and one with a 14 month old. NO! I'm getting my college degree. I have to I can't do this. Whataburger is good though. I just don't wanna have to work there. 8 Minutes until I get off. YES! Then I get to do it again tomorrow and wednesday hanging with the crew :P then thursday LAURA'S COMING TO STAY WITH ME! woohoo! And I get paid for working. So I guess it's good. Because I'm sure you've all heard me say "I'll do anything for money" (within my morals)

No so I really am that stupid sometimes...


Yea so I refuse to ever stay up past 12 (unless for a good cause) ever again. Because last night at like 12:35 I was going through my phone cause I was bored and could not go to sleep I decided to try and change my pin. So it asks...(the following red words will be me talking to myself)

"Pin Number: so i put 0000? no? ok try again....0806 (last four digits of my number) no? ok ummm.. 1234? no?! PUK?! what is that? ok ummm....0000? WHAT NO?! 8 TRIES LEFT? WHAT?! ok let's research this...*researches PUK* WHAT?! ARE THEY OUT OF THEIR
MINDS?! NO!!!!"

so basically by researching I found out that i have single handedly ruined my life because this little code has locked my smart chip and if I don't get it right within the next 5 tries I have to get a whole new phone and smart card...WOOHOO! not.. I hate AT&T. Ugh. I'm not using them when I get my own place and phone. Nevermind I am but they should warn you about things like this! I'm so mad. Why was i so stupid? Now I have to call AT&T (nvm my dad does) to get the code. I hate this. AT&T is not my friend right now...

ALL-STATE!


I cannot wait for all-state this year. This year is going to be a good year at school...I can feel it. Oh my gosh the all state music is hard though. At least Joshua and Pueri are. I love Sanctus though. It's so bubbly. And the way the director at Sam Houston described how he thought it sounded, "It's like getting closer and closer to the kingdom of heaven and the Angels voices getting louder and louder until you're finally there." Isn't that inspiring? Then the coronation anthem. That thing is pretty cool. Except for the 4th part. Oh and..
***REBECCA PATTERSON.***
Is an extremely awesome person. Because she laughs with me when weird grimy looking guys stick their hands all the way down the back of their boxers and scratch, then freak out cussing us out and flipping us off when we start laughing. She was with me through that:) Oh and she stalks everyone through her phone...just saying beware:p

(all state camp was fun:) ) haha. This year I can just feel is going to be a good year. ahaha I can't wait. I wonder if when Mendelssohn wrote Wie der hirsh shreit he knew it would be used for this purpose one day? (he loves altos by the way). Can't wait for this year people who read my blog. Shout out to you! haha I want it to be next week!!! Wednesday hanging out with Christiaan and hopefully Laura and Spencer. Then Thursday Key club thing AND lower becomes my sister for the weekend!! then when she leaves...SCHOOL STARTS! idk if I'm happy about that or not...:)\:

My beliefs.


Ok so. MY beliefs? That the only God is the god of Abraham. That He sent his son to die on the cross. That we are only saved on faith through him. That if you don't hear about him,or get a chance to accept, that you are reincarnated. (i.e. still birth). That God is almighty and he created the heavens and the Earth. No big on all of that good stuff. So I finally got it into my mom's head that I believe that. So I don't have to go to Harvest anymore. I can go to Community of Faith. Of course she won't drive me. haha. So yea and she wants me to go the next two weeks to Harvest to hear him preach on divorce. Haven't I een through enough? Plus next two weekends I'm booked! hahaa sucks for y'all. You little stuck up hypocrites.

The opposite sex.


God created both Man and Women to multiply and replenish the earth. But what God did not think to caution us about is the courting part. It's hard to read guys. Just as it is hard to read girls. I've seen girls play tricks to "test" a guy. Or lie to "keep the romance alive". And I've seen guys lie to girls in hopes of something in return. Why do we have to act different around the opposite sex? Why can't we be ourselves. Sometimes we do it without thinking. But why? Why is being fake considered to be how to win over the target in mind? And if Person A is being real with the Person B of the opposite sex, Person A's's observers will think it's flirting even if that's not what it's meant to be. Why is their complications? Why can't the world be a simple place where you can speak and it's considered the truth? Why do we automatically assume everyone is lying and we need evidence they're not. (unless they're REALLY good friends or family). Bill Clinton. Just blame him for everything.

Don't complain

Too many people in the world complain now a days. Honestly you have it good. And you know the sad part? The people who actually have it bad, (third world countries, people on the streets, people on their death beds, etc.) they don't complain. What does that say about ourselves? We have amazing lives. Yes you. If you can read this blog, you have computer access. If you have computer access your life is not bad. Why do we complain? What has complaining ever gotten us? Except the occasional steroetypical wife bragging about how she got her husband to buy her a new bracelet because she complained about how Sarah down the street had one, it has not gotten us anywhere in life. It has not bettered our world. It has not gotten us closer to peace. It has not brought fortune upon those less fortunate. It has annoyed, irritated, created enemies, removed paitience, and so forth. If you have a true problem. Complain to God. (actually don't complain ask for help I've found that works better.) don't complain to people. Especially people who can do nothing about it. Because they are tired of being dragged into your drama, your problems, your life. They have their own. Or did before you started complaining. So do the world a favor and stop complaining. Thank you:)

Me and my sister Norah Kate

A sister can be seen as someone who is both ourselves and very much not ourselves - a special kind of double. ~Toni Morrison



How can you not just love her cute little face? She has been a blessing most definately in my life. Knowing that she will be looking up to me and is watching my every move has helped me to understand that everything I do does affect someone. My life has completely changed since she has come into it and I would NEVER change that:) She is amazing and I love my sister Norah Kate Eberhard. Muah!



I'm home!


ahhhh home sweet home. Still kinda boring. I need to find something to do. Really bad. Laundry? check. Lunch? check. Music? check. TV? check. ugh....I need to read. And clean my room and take a shower. That'll do it:) haha short blog today. Nothing fancy yet. Mary might have to go to the hospital. Hopefully not. Something weird happening in her body. I'll be her personal secretary if she goes. woohoo!. Haha right when I typed that on the song I was listening to (I gotta feeling by black eyed peas) he said "woohoo" AGAIN! AMAZING! haha. anyhoo back to mary. Hopefully it's nothing serious. But she's fragile. so............idk. New favorite song? Good feel drag by Anberlin. Love the band and the song! It's like next to Burn it to the Ground by Nickelback fro theme song for life:) haha so cool. You know what I don't like? When people are like "oh you have a blog? Please don't talk bad about me on there. It's public." Well sorry if I do but I think the anonymous viewers of my blog aren't really gonna care who or what you did mr./mrs./ms. don't talk bad about me. So stupid. ugh. Like honestly if I was gonna talk bad about you this isn't the first place I would go. anyhoo. Well I'm getting off. (longer than I thought it would be) Gonna read, clean, and shower. Not in that order. haha. (you like the pic? that's my it's summer I don't care look. I post one today after I fix myself up:) )

Last night.


No not last night as in last night was amazing. Last night as this is the last night at my mom's. I honestly don't know what to think. Being here has changed me. I think for the better. Hopefully others will as well. I'm tired of drama. I'm tired of problems. Even if they're my own. So I'm not getting involved in ANYTHING. If it includes me I will jump right out of it. There's a new me. Maren wanted me to find a new style. I pick 70's. It's cute. They have that at forver 21 and I feel like I should be in that 70's show. Well not that extreme. More like I wish I was. As for friends. I think I hurt a friend bad. And I feel bad, but I apologized so it should be over with. Hopefully. Oh well. I can't do anything anymore. Anyhoo. So for once in my life I don't really LIKE someone. I think some guys are sweet and some are cute. And of course the occasional drop dead gorgeous ones. But I'm tired of boys. I liked one. Haven't talked to him in forever though cause he's out of the country. Plus idk if my friend still likes him and if so I will be the first to back off. Then this other kid, but he's too innocent. Like someone who bites off more than he can chew.....all the time. He can't talk the talk or walk the walk. But thinks he can. You know what I mean. Then this other kid. Totally funny, sweet, good singer, cute. Good right? well I'm not gonna get my hopes up and think "oh my gosh he's perfect" because he's probably not even interested. They never are. Another reason not to try. But according to some very RUDE ladies at my mom's church I shouldn't even be thinking about dating. Idk why they think that. Traumatizing childhood idk, but that's not me. It's not like I'm gonna do something I shouldn't on a date. But apparently they're less trustworthy than my own parents. Anyhoo. I think the just want me to go lesbian and hang out with them 24/7. Idk this month has been....interesting. I feel like a different person. More Hyde like. (ok to clear things up I watched That 70's show ALL month) I guess I have to go to bed b/c my mom is making me wake up and go to church with her in the morning. Sorry mary. (she was gonna take me) ugh......night?

another dream


So let me set the night before.
Night: We were messaging a girl named Bethany on myspace because we haven't heard from her in a while. (me and jessie)(small snipet of what happens)

Dream:Jessie had her liscense and was driving Maren's car from Katy to Hockley with me in shotgun and Mary in back. With Maren's permission to drive the car. We got out to Waller at this gas station. We pulled around to the front and I saw Bethany. So I yelled to her and she came over and gave me and Jessie a hug. Then we went in the store. Mary was being so weird and had to hold the keys but we were like no it's not you're car AND you're not driving it. Give it here. So when we walked in we saw my dad with Maren. She was trying to find swim trunks that said "amen old timer" on the back. I told her just to get sofee shorts and get iron letters on the back. She was amazed. Then my mom showed up. Maren and my dad were waiting for us to get done doing what we were doing so they waited in the couch waiting area. My mom showed up there and was SO rude to Maren. We all got mad at her so she left. Then we got what we needed and Jessie drove us home in the CR-V and Maren and my dad in the mitsubishi. (Norah was at Jan's)

Lovely right? I thought it was:)

Another life? or just answers?


It's official. I have this dream EVERY summer. It's always when I'm bored. I dream about school. I dont remember what the dream was about but it had the school in it. And we were in the school. Oh joy. But not for long will I be bored. I have Ivanhoe to read. And I'm on the hunt. The hunt for a man in which I carry his blood around all day. Inside of me. In fact I have since I was conceived. Yes this man would be my birth dad. I just want answers sooo bad. I have his name. And from what my mom (adoptive) has told me he shoudl be in utah public records. To bad they'respirations not free. Ugh. I have 30 people to look through for $40.00. Ugh. But for answers it's worth it. I have no problem with my life. But most little boys and girls get excited in science when we start learning about DNA. Then we get the worksheet to take home and compare ourselves with our parents. Wait a second. I don't know my birth parents. So to people if this seems like I just want a new life or I'm being selfish towards my mom and dad. Think of it this way. Tell me a time when you looked a hallmark card in walmart that had something about great hereditary traits on it then had to put it back because the mom or dad you were getting it for weren't where you got your hereditary traits. Then tell me I'm selfish.

Twofaced...and why I hate them.


Wow it's been forever since I've blogged. I should get on more. So today my friend Murtle called me who I haven't spoken to in FOREVER. So I was ecstatic to talk to her. She was just waiting after SAC camp for her mom to come pick her up. So we kinda caught up. And we started talking about this boy who goes to my mom's church named John*. He used to be homeschooled and had no (still doens't have any) social skills. So while I'm at a church event one evening me and him are the only teenagers so I start bringing up how he's going to my school. He tells me how he's going to be the light of christ and bring God into every conversation. Now do not get me wrong. I am all for that. What I'm not for is saying that, then when giving every girl (and Alex) in school a hug practically humping them, telling people to do something and calling them cocky b**ches behind they're back, and acting as if he has earned the right to be a prep and like the rest of the guys the school loves. Yet we hate/dislike him. He doesn't get how the school works and the only way he's had experience is through TV and what one clique from the junior class tells him. It's outrageous. I wouldn't think anything of it if he hadn't been nice to my friend (throwing her high fives complementing her and telling her to tell the new freshman how athletics is) and then calling her a cocky b**ch behind her back! It's outrageous! It is horrifyingly mad and it just repluses me. Another reason I'm not to fond of my mom's church. The youth are two faced. Maybe the can give a lesson on that and somehow weave it in on how it's blasphemous.

Adults and why they're right for once.

Ok so after trying to call my friend to get the update with her and her bf, because if I didn't now I wouldn't get it at a time I didn't find resonable, I'm trying to get the juicy details in the middle of "hold on, I'm texting, Amanda wants to talk to you," and " *click click click*". I realized that me trying to be a good friend and wanting to know was unimportant in this matter. I merely told her once I finally had her attention I wasn't putting up with this and I was going to hang up. This caused her to shush all other things and focusing on me staying on the phone. Of course I knew she would go back to the boyfriend and the friend, So I told her to call me when she had a moment of free time. She agreed we hung up and now (from experience with her) she is probably venting to her other friend about how I was out of line because I've done that before to her. I know have learned from my mistake and will take the advice of all adults.

****Cellphone etiquette rule #35****
Do not text while talking on the phone.
****Telephone etiquette rule #3****
Do not talk to someone while they'respirations on the phone
****Telephone etiquette rule #7****
Do not talk to other people while on the phone with someone else unless asking a simple yes or no question

I will now be following these rules. As to follow my goal and not be hypocritical. Because it is highly annoying and I refuse to take it any longer. Thank you.
P.s. If you call me follow these rules or else I WILL hang up on you.

why hello again (my dedication to Murtle)


AJ was right this thing is like a diary. Too bad I didn't have it before the drive in. Anyhoo. So have you ever had an experience, and after the experience you say to yourself you'respirations never letting that happen again? Then the red flags for that same experience come back into play and you have to have ropes and chains holding you back from going back into the same blackhole? Yea just happened to me. Murtle is helping me remember it's a bad idea. Mary is too busy with her bf and Laura didn't answer. I should just keep calling Murtle everytime this happens. She truly is the best friend ever! 08.30.02! And she's smart. Which is good because I need smart friends since I attract stupid people. (no offense others. I meant you're actions but you all know when you'respirations around me you do stupid things) Which is why Murtle is amazing! because She keeps her ground on her smart ideas. Which once again saved me from ultimate failure. So I owe her an HEB slushie and a pic of me as a gay pride cow.Since she gave me alfredo on her lawn, walks around fairfield, help with my stuides, good advice, and soo many more memories. ♥♥<------- I look ugly without my makeup sometimes like right then, but oh well I was having fun with Murtle:)

Girl's Camp

So It's Monday now and it's been exactly a week since I left for girl's camp. It was such an amazing experience. I myself am not mormon but the love and acceptance I see from these girls and women is so amazing. I felt so comfortable there and I learned that you can have fun without the things the world says you need to have fun. You just need friends who except you and your good to go. So I had an amazing time at camp and miss all my fourth years (Davas....Danger Divas........*blow out gunsmoke*...in a good way) So July I have to go to my mom's for the whole month and I'm not gonna survive. I just want to go to Warped Tour and a couple of movies and Laura's party.....idk if that will happen though........because my mom is being cheap and spending money on her dogs......but not me.....so I'm trying to get a job. (If you need ANYTHING done just call me and I'll do it). So yea this might be my last post for awhile. I really wanna go to San antonio and the montrose area this summer.....I might have to wait until august to do that though...:( So pray I'll make it....and I won't kill Michael.

The Jonas Brothers as Disney Princesses




Ok so my absolutely favorite Talk show It's On with Alexa Chung (MTV @ 11c) was talking about The Jonas Brothers and then started talking about how they're Disney Princesses. So I texted Facebook and put as my Facebook status something like "Nick jonas is a disney princess according to sean from 3oh!3 i love it's on with alexa chung". My friend Katie then commented on my status and said if she has Photoshop and knew how to use it she would make photos. I told her I would and it took a day for me to remember but I did and this is what turned up from them.

My three dreams...

Ok so you know how people have three dreams a night but only remember one? well today i was woken up three times, but before that I was dreaming so I remember the dreams. Sadly it's been too long so I don't remember the first but i do the other two.

Hercules vs. Moses ( Dream 2)
Ok so in this dream I was in a mini video game. The game was between Hercules and Moses and the object of both of them was to destroy the other's house. (hercules was a mountain and Moses was a pyramid) So they're going at it while I'm watching and I realize there's movement in the pyramid. So i go to take a look and it's my best friend Megan and her amazing family during Watchign tv in their kitchen during March Madness! This is the funniest thing I have ever experienced in life is watching her family.
Then my alarm woke me up to go shut off the water.

Choosing the best portable circus (Dream 3)
So in this dream I was one of the judges for the all famous Traveling circus on a trailer parade. The judging took place in the backyard of my old house in fairfield. My job was to find the number one circus for the end of it. I'm in the middle of judging when the next act includes a guy from Photo and Geo class. I start yelling "Trey! dude i haven't seen you in forever!" he does his act then comes over gives me a hug and walks over to my neighbors house to party with friends. Then I was woken up right as I walk over and ask his friend to give him my number. Idk if I ever got it.....:)

The start of a revolution

So i just got back from Utah last night. First week was spent in tremonton. Then we mosied on down to lehi. While in lehi i realized blogging was a new family sport. Being the teenager in the family i felt it was my responsibility to keep up to date with technology related aspects of life. Thus leading to my blog. :)

Now from my understanding You basically just write about your life in a tiny little paragraph. So here it goes.

My name is Courtney. I'm 15 years old. I have a HUMONGOUS family. (i will have a family tree posted later.) First there are my birthparents. I only know my birthmom Samara but obviously i'm gonna need a birth dad too. There the people who adopted me. Chris Eberhard and Jill Robinson. As you can tell by the difference in last names they are in fact divorced and remarried to other people. Chris married Maren Eberhard which opened up a new side of my family with the tag "Swope" Aunts and Uncles galore. Her brother AJ is one of the people who made me decide blogging was a good idea. So of course i didn't forget the all important Eberhard's. My dad's sister's of course and also my little cousins:). So my Dad's side is done. Now to my mom..... She just recently got married to a guy. Her family consists of her brothers.....and step brothers and sisters...... and two little brat cousins......and one pretty cool cousin. Then Michael Robinson. My stepdad His sisters are amazing along with my cousins. Like seriously amazing! Me and Michael though just don't click. And i'll leave it at that.
So that's my family tree kinda. XD

Now to my activities. I love singing. I've been in choir since i was 10. It's just kind of a way of relaxing. To let my vocal chords mesh with my soft pallette and let loose. But it seriously is soooo much fun. My middle school choir teacher is leaving the school though and going on a mission trip to hungary. (slaughtersinhungary.com please support). But she introduced me too music and Mrs. Douglas (the magnificent mrs. douglas) shined up my choir's talent into perfection. (myspace.com/cyranchchoir).

I also love Photography! Especially pictures of nature Because being out there with all the beauty of nature is amazing but finding beauty inside beauty is outstanding and catching it on camera is all the better.

Wow so this blogging stuff went by faster than i thought and i wrote more than i thought i would so haha fun stuff.