"Cogito Ergo Sum" -Renee Descartes "Be the Change you wish to see in the world" -Gandhi "I will be a Hummingbird, I will do the best that I can." -Wangari Maathai "Where Stereotypes begin with a grain of truth, cliches begin with a bolder" - George Watsky "And she's gonna know, that life will hit you hard - in the face - wait for you to get up just so it can push you back down, but getting the wind knocked out of you is the best way to remind your lungs, how much they like the taste of air." - Sarah Kay

Just something small I've learned

I've been watching some home videos of me. Something, I didn't think existed anymore. Partly because I never gave thought to it, and partly because I have preserved my childhood in a museum that I don't like to visit too often.

But while watching these emotional videos that have made me both laugh and cry, I've learned two things about myself. I think I need to write them down somewhere, because for some reason I feel like I will forget I ever learned them.

When something is wrong, I like be around people. Being social and in the company of at least one person make me not feel alone, and thus ok with life. I've learned that a dog is a good substitute, but a cat is not. Reasons I'm a dog person.

I've also learned that one of my biggest pet peeves, and possibly the root of my other pet peeves is when someone puts a mask of a situation and tells everyone it's alright. That everything is peachy, and that things will just work out. But sadly, up until now, my way of dealing with this has sometimes been to exact this upon others. I don't know why. Maybe to try and understand the viewpoint of those who cover things up. I don't know.

I just needed to write this down. And share it.

New Beginnings

I had a few resolutions for 2014. To start simple, I wanted to wake up at 8:30 every morning. It's hard to do, but I've been able to do it sometimes. My goal from this is to have a better sleep schedule, have time in the morning to wake up and work on me for a change, and to teach myself not to give up when I fail. So far I've woken up at 8:30 3 times. I'm not giving up.

Second, I am going to try something. I want to find 12 things I don't like about myself, and work one one a month for the entire year. I want to use this a a track system on how I feel I'm doing. During my "me" time in the mornings, I will read articles, watch TED talks, meditate, analyze lyrics, learn about inspiring people, everything I can to inspire me to keep growing on working every day.

I have a couple thought out:
  1. I want to work on putting myself first sometimes.
  2. I want to work on my trust in people.
  3. I want to work on being able to open up.
  4. I want to work on my health.
  5. I want to work on my beliefs.
  6. I want to work on learning something new everyday.
I only have 6 so far. Those were all ones that stood out. And I kept telling myself, "Oh I'll think of them later." It's been 4 days. It's time to work on more. So I thought of something I need to work on. Procrastination.

Problem:

  • I want to work on procrastination
 I tend to procrastinate on the worst things. I don't want to look at bills. I hate looking at grades. I don't want to hear about why I need to finalize living situations for next year. I don't want to even think about the things that will get me stressed out. I become paralyzed with stress. It feels literally like the entire world stops and stares at me until I make a decision, or think about something else. Imagine Inception, where the dream people start staring at the "virus". Even if I'm in the comfort of my own bed, I feel eyes one me.
"How will she handle this? What's her move? Will it be the best move? What are the consequences of that? I can't believe she would consider such an option when there's this option over here? She doesn't know how to do it. She's going to mess up. She'll never make it on her own. Why would she think she's capable of something like that? She should just give up and let someone else handle it for her."
 I can't move. I can't speak. I start rapidly breathing hard, and panicking. I then go into some bizarre dual personality and have to coo to myself to calm down. I have to force myself to think of happier things and remind myself that there's always tomorrow.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM!
Instead of just making a choice, and finishing it up, I put it off and make it worse. I used to do this with EVERYTHING but now if there's something easy and painless that needs to be done, I will stop everything and finish it. Ex: My PS3 wasn't working. I just dropped everything (with friends over) and called customer service to see what my options were for my PS3. Find out, and finished it. But if I get my electric bill in the mail, it will take me 5 hours to open it.

Solution:

So I'm going to just start doing things. Ripping off the bandaid. I'm not saying it will be easy. This is one of my hardest problems, but I can't start working on myself, if I keep putting it off. And I'm excited to change things around. I think I'm cool and all, and there are parts of me that I ADORE, but I'm not completely finished yet.
So I'm going to work on my procrastination for this month. I will upload any articles or stories, or TED Talks, or songs, or whatever that I find that helps me with procrastination. I'm not promising a daily blog, but this month will get some stuff.

Let's see how this goes....

Treat other how the way you want to be treated.

When you're a kid the golden rule is,
"Treat others the way you want to be treated".

For me as a kid, I had trouble connecting to people, and really feeling accepted by anyone in my life. When presented to me, this golden rule seemed like the answer to my problem. To my understanding, all I had to do was make people feel accepted and they would accept me. However, as life continued, I put this rule to the test, and much to my surprise, it didn't work as planned. People in my life still continued to act towards me how they saw best suited themselves. Even if I would go out of my way to make someone feel welcome, I still felt out of place everywhere I went.

It was really hard for me to realize the concept of the rule, was that you SHOULD treat others how you want to be treated. Not because karma is instant, but because if you wouldn't like to be treated in a negative way, then why would someone else? You treat others positively, because it is the right thing to do, not because you could gain a reward in the end.

To this day, I have a constant inner struggle with myself. I feel unappreciated, unconnected, obnoxious, and I ultimately fear that I will never find someone who will always put me first in their life. I don't feel like I can connect to people on a level I would like to connect to them on. Not because I can't connect, but because I am too forward about it, and they are scared or intimidated by my aggressively friendly personality. I have trust issues, and I feel like people will use me for my eager willingness to serve, but then leave me once I have finished everything. I have a horrible self image, because I assume people put me on a back burner. I all around feel like a sucky person for 90% of the time. I even have a hard time writing this out on my own blog, because putting it on the internet makes me feel like I'm whining and people will be annoyed that I'm showing any sort of complaint.

And yet, because I have such an abundance of inner chaos, and because I've been burned in more ways than one, I continue to care for people in every way possible. Because the golden rule does not say "Treat other the way you have been treated in the past", however, when expanded, it clearly states, "Treat others they way you hope to be treated in the future".

So I may not feel like I have ever been unconditionally loved, but that doesn't mean I am incapable of that same emotion. It is because I understand the negative, that I am able to share the positive. And this outweighs any inner war I claim to have.