"Be the Change you wish to see in the world" -Gandhi "I will be a Hummingbird, I will do the best that I can." -Wangari Maathai "Where stereotypes begin with a grain of truth, cliches begin with a boulder" - George Watsky "And she's gonna learn, that this life will hit you - hard - in the face - wait for you to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach, but getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs, how much they like the taste of air." - Sarah Kay "Do not fear what has blown up. If you must, fear the unexploded." -Suheir Hammad

Well that didn't work, but life is about trying, failing, and trying again.

So I watched Accepted the other day with a good friend of mine. I laughed and recalled my perception of the movie back in 2009 vs. the present and how things have changed, and how I understand things differently.

I immediately needed to check up on my blog post, "Why?" that I wrote in response to Bartleby's monologue at the end. Which then led me to reading some of my more recent posts.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I can say with full certainty that I failed in my new year's resolutions. First, waking up at 8:30a every morning was a bust. It's just a bad time. 8:30 is either too early too late. 5:30a might be a better option, and more feasible given my recent life change. Nonetheless, I can evaluate my actions, if I failed or not, and move on.

12 things to work on? One a month? The idea is great! Spread everything out. Make a habit in 30 days. Only problem is that the things I want to work on are not routine things, they are circumstantial. So I can't really make it a habit, then build on top the next month. I haven't had 30 consecutive days to make a change.

So I failed. I didn't finish my new year's resolutions. And that's ok. I learned other things this year. I learned that I have limits. A shocking realization that defeats my former adolescent theory of invincibility. I need breaks, but I need to balance the breaks with work. Not work until I'm dead and dry then sleep for 29 hours with netflix naps on the couch in between. Although I've been told for years that moderation is key, I learn by doing. (Much to the irritation of my parents.)

Another thing I failed at was my dedication to school. I know I'm capable of learning. In fact, I love knowing things. However, I find it incredibly difficult to maintain interest and dedication sitting in class. Plus I'm not even sure Geography is what I still want to do. The only people that talk about oil more than business majors, are geography majors. So I looked at Computer Science, Communication, Mass Communication, GIS, and more. Nothing pines my interest except Religious Studies, but that has no guarantee for a job, or at least a job I'd like to do after college.

So I'm taking time off. I'm going to work things that I want in life, and discover what direction I should be going. I'm going to pick up skills and tastes. I'm going to shape me. I'm going to reflect on the limits I've found.

First thing? I'm going to work. Second, I'm going to learn Arabic. Third I'm going to learn more about Druidism. Fourth, I'm going to lose 50 pounds. I'm essentially going to put myself in my own classes, my own degree, so that I can learn discipline and determination, and accomplishment. Then figure out what direction I need to take back in school. I'm just taking a much needed break. I'm trying to learn me.

And if you've read this far, and feel like I'm not too crazy, then please help support me. Tell me I can. I'll probably fall along this trail too, but help me believe that this is the best option.

Just something small I've learned

I've been watching some home videos of me. Something, I didn't think existed anymore. Partly because I never gave thought to it, and partly because I have preserved my childhood in a museum that I don't like to visit too often.

But while watching these emotional videos that have made me both laugh and cry, I've learned two things about myself. I think I need to write them down somewhere, because for some reason I feel like I will forget I ever learned them.

When something is wrong, I like be around people. Being social and in the company of at least one person make me not feel alone, and thus ok with life. I've learned that a dog is a good substitute, but a cat is not. Reasons I'm a dog person.

I've also learned that one of my biggest pet peeves, and possibly the root of my other pet peeves is when someone puts a mask of a situation and tells everyone it's alright. That everything is peachy, and that things will just work out. But sadly, up until now, my way of dealing with this has sometimes been to exact this upon others. I don't know why. Maybe to try and understand the viewpoint of those who cover things up. I don't know.

I just needed to write this down. And share it.

New Beginnings

I had a few resolutions for 2014. To start simple, I wanted to wake up at 8:30 every morning. It's hard to do, but I've been able to do it sometimes. My goal from this is to have a better sleep schedule, have time in the morning to wake up and work on me for a change, and to teach myself not to give up when I fail. So far I've woken up at 8:30 3 times. I'm not giving up.

Second, I am going to try something. I want to find 12 things I don't like about myself, and work one one a month for the entire year. I want to use this a a track system on how I feel I'm doing. During my "me" time in the mornings, I will read articles, watch TED talks, meditate, analyze lyrics, learn about inspiring people, everything I can to inspire me to keep growing on working every day.

I have a couple thought out:
  1. I want to work on putting myself first sometimes.
  2. I want to work on my trust in people.
  3. I want to work on being able to open up.
  4. I want to work on my health.
  5. I want to work on my beliefs.
  6. I want to work on learning something new everyday.
I only have 6 so far. Those were all ones that stood out. And I kept telling myself, "Oh I'll think of them later." It's been 4 days. It's time to work on more. So I thought of something I need to work on. Procrastination.

Problem:

  • I want to work on procrastination
 I tend to procrastinate on the worst things. I don't want to look at bills. I hate looking at grades. I don't want to hear about why I need to finalize living situations for next year. I don't want to even think about the things that will get me stressed out. I become paralyzed with stress. It feels literally like the entire world stops and stares at me until I make a decision, or think about something else. Imagine Inception, where the dream people start staring at the "virus". Even if I'm in the comfort of my own bed, I feel eyes one me.
"How will she handle this? What's her move? Will it be the best move? What are the consequences of that? I can't believe she would consider such an option when there's this option over here? She doesn't know how to do it. She's going to mess up. She'll never make it on her own. Why would she think she's capable of something like that? She should just give up and let someone else handle it for her."
 I can't move. I can't speak. I start rapidly breathing hard, and panicking. I then go into some bizarre dual personality and have to coo to myself to calm down. I have to force myself to think of happier things and remind myself that there's always tomorrow.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM!
Instead of just making a choice, and finishing it up, I put it off and make it worse. I used to do this with EVERYTHING but now if there's something easy and painless that needs to be done, I will stop everything and finish it. Ex: My PS3 wasn't working. I just dropped everything (with friends over) and called customer service to see what my options were for my PS3. Find out, and finished it. But if I get my electric bill in the mail, it will take me 5 hours to open it.

Solution:

So I'm going to just start doing things. Ripping off the bandaid. I'm not saying it will be easy. This is one of my hardest problems, but I can't start working on myself, if I keep putting it off. And I'm excited to change things around. I think I'm cool and all, and there are parts of me that I ADORE, but I'm not completely finished yet.
So I'm going to work on my procrastination for this month. I will upload any articles or stories, or TED Talks, or songs, or whatever that I find that helps me with procrastination. I'm not promising a daily blog, but this month will get some stuff.

Let's see how this goes....