"Be the Change you wish to see in the world" -Gandhi "I will be a Hummingbird, I will do the best that I can." -Wangari Maathai "Where stereotypes begin with a grain of truth, cliches begin with a boulder" - George Watsky "And she's gonna learn, that this life will hit you - hard - in the face - wait for you to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach, but getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs, how much they like the taste of air." - Sarah Kay "Do not fear what has blown up. If you must, fear the unexploded." -Suheir Hammad


7 years ago I witnessed my first death. My classmate died from a brain aneurism. I participated in things for him, because it was what seemed right to do. I was 10. I didn’t understand death. I knew he was gone, but besides him the only death I’d seen was in movies. To me death wasn’t real. I had the bracelet that was made in honor of him. I wore it everyday until I had to remove it for some reason. I went to his memorial all the time, until I didn’t have time. Slowly he started to slip. Until yesterday I’d forgotten his existence. According to Mayan and Aztec beliefs that’s the third death. But is it reincarnation when you remember? 
In my mind he’s my age, because the last perspective I have of him is on the portable outside of the school. Our teacher was late for school. We waited outside until she came. Or how he always beat me on turning in tests early. He was so smart. But in my perspective he was on the same level as I was. Not until yesterday when I saw a picture of him next to a picture of his classmates, who are still in my perspective did I realize the change. 
Where does it go? Those 7 years, were they wasted? If he had the chance to come in the place of someone else, as long as he bettered there life, would my life be a candidate? Would he want us to appreciate more? Or focus more? Does he see where we mess up and try to help us out, or is he bitter about us forgetting about him? Can he even look down upon us, or is this a diluted version we tell ourselves, to keep him here. Is he offended by that last statement because he’s never left any of his old classmates, no matter how close he was to them? 
And yet to all of those questions I hear nothing but the roar of thunder outside my bedroom window mixed with a little rain and, most importantly, silence. My questions cannot be answered. In fact, they won’t be answered.

Death is a funny thing. It’s one of the most common occurrences in the world. Most pondered upon. Most curious subject. But is anyone any close to discovering the secrets behind it?

R.I.P. Weston Smith December 28, 1993 - December 30, 2004

An unknown revolution

I feel a change. A good change. I don't think bad thoughts really. (Bad= negative). I've been very positive. All conflicts have been minor, or at least I've made them minor. I don't feel the need to fit in with anyone really. I have a family (outside of my actual family of course) that I can rely on, and call true friends. For once I can be myself around them. It took me 17 years and 11 1/2 years of my public school career, but I found it. And that's kind of the bitter sweet part. I found people I can call true friends, but only for another semester. It's a bitter sweet feeling, but for the amount  of pure joy that I m obtaining now, it might be worth it.

Not really my normal philosophical blog, but I felt the need to put it out there that I finally feel accepted, confident, and real. I didn't think it would be possible, but if it can happen in high school, maybe there's not a lot to be scared of next year. If I can go from being very self conscience (enough that I only wear a sweatshirt to school all the time) to a point where I will actually wear a skirt to school, I'm ok with that. Or accepted enough that I don't have to try to fit in, but I try to just make sure people are having a fun time because I care, I'm ok with that. Or real enough to know that I can be myself 24/7 I'm ok with that. And this may not last long, and next semester it may take a little to get back, but I know that it's possible now. It's obtainable. I'm not lost. This new feeling I have that snuck up on me, is the only sniper attack I'm ok with.

World Perspective

I don't really know where to begin. Sadly, this world always seems to get worse. Lies, Hypocrisy, Pain. All of this doesn't help with my image of the world. But I can't let it hinder it either. PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES. This is how humans are designed. To make mistakes. To learn from our own mistakes, and those of others around us. Recently a "scandal" (for lack of a better word) has broken out around me. I have no affiliation with the people involved, but the story, the outrage of bystanders, and the knowledge of all the pain this people must be going through brought me to tears, almost immediately. Notice how broad this description is. You probably have an idea in your mind what it is about, but you are mistaken. This formula could be applied to anything. The purpose? To help all of you understand that things happen in lives of those that effect us. But is it our duty to spread them? No. If it was, would we have a need to for the media? (Think about that one for a minute),

Our world is filled with (now) 7 billion people. If you average (generously) one mistake a day:
That's 7 billion mistakes made in the entire world.
2,555,000,000,000 mistakes a year.

Each mistake has it's own severity level THAT DIFFERS DEPENDING ON THOSE WHO JUDGE. Who gave you the right to judge? Have you never made a mistake? Have you never done something stupid? Have you never broken the law of the land? Are you Jesus? Leave the judging to those who have been given the right to judge. If it's not in your job description, then please for the sake of my sanity, your sanity, the sanity of those involved, and the sanity of the world, butt out.

And if you're now sitting there thinking how terrible the world is, imagine this. For every mistake we make, we also doing something correct. In fact I would venture to guess the things we do correct is double our mistakes. 
So if there's 7 billion people.
That's 14 billion correct things happening daily.
5,110,000,000,000 positive things happening in our world, in a year.

If only our mistakes our highlighted, then how our we ever supposed to overcome, and be forgiven. Or worse, have our correct actions highlighted? Ultimately this is up to you to decide. The phrase, "One person can make a difference." is a lie. But one person can start a difference.


Sadly, when you're not in a good mood, sometimes it's really hard to find someone to talk to. You're of course there to listen to everyone around you, but people don't want to listen to your problems. Slightly hypocritical, yes? And you kind of just want to spill your guts out to someone (and probably will at some random point on some unsuspecting stranger)? But no one's there. At least not that you can really talk to without feeling like you're burdening them more, or like you're whining. Of course even writing about it on something like, oh say a blog, is borderline whining, but you need an outlet. So as you continue to help Boy A with his relationship problems. And Girl A with hers. And Boy B with his self esteem issues and Girl B with her stress, your worries are pushed aside for later review. Of course you love helping the sad people in your life because at the end of the day seeing others happy makes you that much happier. It just becomes impossible to be fully happy when you're competing with others for your turn to vent, and you're ignored. You're only allowed 95% happiness and soon 90% happiness and then 85% and it decreases slowly until you can't hold it anymore (reference to the spontaneous bursting of tears on a random stranger from above).

People of the world, remember to check on daily those around you. EVERYONE wants to share some aspect of their life they believe to be "unsharable". Prove their theory wrong.

I think I've changed, but by staying the same

I can't put anymore philosophical blogs out anymore. I've already put my beliefs out there. There's really nothing left for me to say. This website, that "sooo many" of you read, will just turn in to a documentation of my life. In to that stereotypical blog that so many dread reading.

This is mainly because I've been the same person for a long time, which is ironically a change for me. but by being the exact same, I feel empty. I feel defeated. I feel boring. I feel like I've run the race but instead of finishing, or even getting close to finishing, I've instead ran ahead of everyone and they've taken a shortcut around me, thus gaining miles while I'm still waiting.

Another change is that I've all but given up on love. I still long for it, but I don't think it will ever come. It's like the more I hope for it, the more it hides and plays games. I don't trust that it will find me for awhile.

But at the end of the day, in the bottom of my heart I still "want kisses on my back. I want kisses on my cheeks. I want to wrap my legs around you. I want to sit on your lap and barely kiss you. I want to ditch boring things and make out instead. I want to lay in bed all day, just you and I, just sheets and us I want to fall in love, just once, just you, forever and ever"

(^^^yay for cliche love quotes!)


Everyone always sees differences. He's white. He's black. He's a boy. She's a girl. He goes to this school. She's goes to this school. But the truth behind it all is that we're all the same. We all have a brain. We all have a heart. And we all have a spirit. Most importantly we all have secrets, and as much as we'd like to think our secret is a true secret, we all share the same secret. That we're afraid of being judged and being vulnerable. When we can understand the true concept of this, is there really any need for hate? Wouldn't you just be hating yourself?

It's been a while.

So it's been awhile since I've been on here, but I feel like I need to say something. We all have on desire in life. One main desire that controls our every thought and move. It'll drive our choice of clothing, how we talk, how we act, basically in a whole how we present ourselves. It controls our priorities. We feed this need to be perfect in whatever category we're obsessed with.

Mine is Love. I'm obsessed with dying alone, not having someone to call my own. Someone to depend on no matter what. But after some recent events, I've discovered that I'm the reason for all of my awkward moments. I'm so set on the future of something, I can't just cool down and let things happen now.

So, this is just a public service announcement that at this point forward I pledge to just have fun. I'm still young. I have a right to learn through experiences still, but I think I've mastered this lesson. When I'm older, I'll definitely look back in to this part of my life lessons, but as for now, I think it's time to move on.
We've seen for millions of years the effect a little Hate has. If Love is equally powerful opposite of Hate, why don't we see how far a little Love can go?


I Am Me.

Not her.

Not him.

Not them.

Not Us.

Not We.


I'm not athletic like him.

I'm not smart like her.

I'm not hot like them.

I Am Me.

I'm not part of a group.

I am my own person.

I'm "limited edition".

I Am Me.

Don't compare me to her.

Don't group me in with him.

Don't make me a part of something.

I Am Me.

I'm different.

I'm weird.

I do things most wouldn't.

I Am Me.

Stop trying to change me.

Stop showing me how to be a "good" person. How would you know?

I know that,

I Am Me.

Don't prejudge me.

Don't predict how I'll act.

Don't assume anything.

I Am Me.

Love Me.

Hate Me.

Forget Me.

I Am Still Me.

"Why are people always so interested in messing up love? Their own love, other people's love. It's like people can't stand anybody to really love something - especially another person. They want to provide you all the reasons why maybe you shouldn't, they want to warn you, try to talk you out of it. To ruin it any way they could.
didn't the bible say love one another?
didn't the bible say forgive and forget?
I thought people were scared to death of love. Scared to give it. But even more scared to get it. ... Love made me think playing hot pottato. If you caught it, you tried to get rid of it as fast as you could - it was like nobody wanted to end up holding on to it." -As Hot. As It Was You Ought To Thank Me

Forever Alone?

There once was an optimistic girl. She held out hope for finding someone to love her back, they way she loved people. Not too much. Not too little. Just the right amount, that she thought was acceptable. But this was a problem. Every time she thought she found someone, they loved parts of her, or none of her at all. There were the few occassions where it seemed like holding out hope paid off, but in the end, people turned in to psychopaths or liars. She tries so hard to be what people want her to be, just so she can feel accepted, and yet the harder she tries, the more people get turned off. So she tries being herself, and people are more in to her, but she does not feel the same connection. She wants so desperately to find someone, she has her up and down moments, but always in the end she looks the same. Stupid. She wants to know exactly how guys feel about her, but she will never know, because she's not trusting enough to show what she's hiding first. This girl will search for a long time, for just one person, but it's unknown if she'll find someone. At least not yet.


Escape is an idea. There is only once solution, that most people in this world are too selfish to even try and obtain and escape from their problems. Usually your problems involve somebody else. Because they are annoying, or they broke your heart, or they backstabbed you. And for the rest of your life, even if you forget about this problem completely because "you're the bigger person" you never really escape it. Everyone once in a while, when a song plays, or when you walk past someone with the same cologne, you remember the person you once were friends with, maybe even closer than that, and you remember why you are no longer speaking.
There is one solution to be offered for your problems. The solution requires absolute sincerity and concentration. You cannot fake the solution, even to fool other people, because the solution is for your own peace of mind, which cannot be fixed if you fake it. You must forgive. If someone is annoying, accept them in your heart. If someone broke your heart, except their apology and do not hold anger towards them. If someone stabbed you in the back, forgive them, and move on.
Here's the catch, if you forgive, this does not mean everything has to go back to the way it was before, and in fact, it most likely will not. The solution entails that in your hearts there is no hate/anger/jealousy/hurt on either side, and you can act like civil human beings without any awkward moments.
But, if you are the author of the crime, do not expect immediate forgiveness. You most likely will not get it, unless it's for something petty. Give them their space, and let them come to you with a clear heart.
Behind forgiveness is the promise of a clear, unburdened heart. A true one. Not one that requires covering up, but one that can float away into the sky, carried by love, because their is no hate to hold it down.

As Hot As It Was You Ought To Thank Me

"The thunder was insistent, like door knocking that would not let up. It seemed about making us let something inside-and we didn't want to. We refused, the early thunder was almost polite, distant and just as comfortable as hearing your name called at suppertime. But the later thunder had lost all patience, given up on convincing us and decided to threaten us, like a maniac who'd knock the door down by banging his head against it if he had to. It made me understand that we don't always get to decide what we let in and what we keep out. A door is just an idea."
Let me go. Don't make me hold on to my memories of you, with such a grip that I miss the new chances of happiness flashing before me. Let me go. Let my conscience know that I can move on from you. Let me go. Release your tight grip on the song I listened to most during that time we were acquainyed, and let me enjoy it again. Let me go. Allow me to trust again, and move on with my life, instead of always standing in the back of my mind, with that cute smile and big brown eyes, whispering, "what if.." scenarios and "It could've been better with me.." play-by-plays. Let me go. Let me be free of your poisonous love.
I can only give so much of myself before i need to refuel. Give me something to run on. Don't make me do this alone.
The trouble with heartche is that you trust both your heart and your brain to give you the correct answer, because both have been right before. Your brain tells you something bad could happen, being the pessimist, and your heart tells you something good could happen, being the optimist. You're stuck between positive and negative. And neither the brain nor the heart have lied to you before, although they may have been incorrect. But in the middle of it, you can't remember who's been right the most. Are you afraid of what could happen, or of not knowing what could've happened?


When you were a child you experienced pure ecstasy. From the feeling of flying on a swing set, to the feeling of falling on a slide. The feeling of accomplishment when you completed a puzzle to the feeling of completion when you finished a masterpiece of sidewalk chalk. What all those feelings have in common is the factor of joy.
But somewhere down the line, someone informed us that what we thought was fun, and what gave us joy, really wasn't joy. We were told that the simplicities in life no longer had value and that to have fun we needed to go out, spend money, be loved for who we aren't, and come home and complain about ourselves, until we're reminded of how beautiful and happy we are. "Swings are for children, slides are for babies. Puzzles are for the immature, and sidewalk chalk? Don't even get me started!" was what we heard from someone we deemed as happy. But they were handed down the same tidbit of information once, that crushed their true happiness. It's uncomprehendable why we believed them. Why we went along with them, and threw away something that was going so well, but we did. And ever since we've searched for the happiness we know we're capable of in drugs, alcohol, partying, money spending, lies, and excuses.
Challenge: Go sit on a swing set for a little bit. Sit at the top of a slide. And once you finally remember how to have fun, and build up the courage to let loose, go for it. Those little kid actions inside of you are still there, untouched, and waiting to bring you an uncontrollable amount of happiness again, like when you were a care-free kid.


When you were a child you experienced pure ecstasy. From the feeling of flying on a swing set, to the feeling of falling on a slide. The feeling of accomplishment when we complete a puzzle to the feeling of completion when we finish a masterpiece of sidewalk chalk. All these feelings have in common is the common factor of joy.
But somewhere down the line, someone informed us that what we thought was fun, and what gave us joy, really wasn't joy. We were told that the simplicities in life no longer had value and that to have fun we needed to go out, spend money, be loved for who we aren't, and come home and complain about ourselves, until we're reminded of how beautiful and happy we are. "Swings are for children, slides are for babies. Puzzles are for the immature, and sidewalk chalk? Don't even get me started!" was what we heard from someone we deemed as happy. But they were handed down the same tidbit of information once, that crushed their true happiness.
Challenge: Go sit on a swing set for a little bit. Sit at the top of a slide. And once you finally remember how to have fun, let loose. Those little kid actions inside of you are still there, untouched, and waiting to bring you an uncontrollable amount of happiness again, like when you were a care-free kid.


We choose who we want to be. Our path is undefined. All those mistakes that we make, we have no excuse for them. All those good memories are the same case. Sure you can be influenced, but ultimately you are the holder of your destiny. You control your happiness. You control your sorrow. You control your anger. You control your reactions. Other outside sources may hinder your ability to control, but YOU are in control. Don't blame Johnny for breaking your heart. He screwed you over, but you have control on how long you're going to sit around in your pajamas, eating Ben and Jerry's, crying over him, or getting out there and moving on. Don't blame Susie for bringing up a controversial topic. You could just as easily changed the subject.
At the same time, be careful of your actions. Other control their destiny just as much as you control yours, but if you understand how hard it is to overcome outside influences, why would you wish that on anyone? Be careful how your actions will influence others, because they will. Susie brought up that subject, because you commented on something related. Johnny stood you up, because you freaked him out with all the calling. We live in one big circle of actions and consequences.
But just because you now understand that EVERYTHING you do effects someone else, don't act accordingly. Be yourself, but be a good person. Don't hate. Don't discriminate. Don't judge. Don't use violence. Try loving, caring, being compassionate, and patient. Look at how you are being effected by others bad decisions, and look farther down the circle. Are you the true cause? Then you can be the solution.
You control your destiny. You control what happens to you. All through other people. Why would you wish harm on yourself?

"Reduce Bad Thoughts. Recylce Good Ones."


I'm going to bring in something personal to this post. I try not to use the word "I" but this post will have to be an exception(:

My little sister is fearless. Which is amazing to think about, since she hasn't even hit three yet. She will climb the tallest tree, jump down the longest slide, pet the deadliest snake, and do it all with a smile on her face, and without a trace of doubt in her face. She is courageous. And she has little knowledge of what she's facing, but that doesn't stop her from trying to learn how to tackle the obstacle in front of her.
She does have fears though. The weirdest things. Well at least in my opinion. To her, they are life-threatening objects that could potentially seize the normal life she's grown to accustomed to. The first fear that I saw was the blue glove. The blue glove was a doctor's latex glove. My dad took it out to blow it up, and she quickly recognized the glove as dangerous, and proceeded to run to the door and repeat, "No...No...No...Noooooo...Noo....No". It was quite fascinating to see our pint-sized dare devil be scared of something. We brought a blue glove home with us, and soon she became quite accustomed to it. (after several "random" encounters) She soon was not bothered with the once terribly frightening threat, and continued to live her life.
She is my role model right now because of her innocence, curiosity, and ability to overcome fears so easily. As adults, we tend to ignore our fears, and run when we see them, instead of facing them head on. And they way I see it, our fears, or the ones I'm referring too, are relatively minor in comparison to my sister's fear. Spiders can kill you yes. But the ones that can, are small and rare. How many of you have seen a black widow, and if so, have seen one kill a person. How many of you have seen a harmless spider crawl up your window, from across the room, and scream in panic? But while running for the hills, you still know that the spider is not going to kill you, or most likely harm you in anyway. My sister doesn't understand things like this, but can still overcome a fear of something, she believes to be life-threatening.
If my 2 year old sister can overcome her greatest fear, after facing it head on, can't we as grown humans use the same system to overcome our fears?
By human nature, people will judge one another based on knowledge given prior to the actual first meeting. They will take in all factors of how they met, and start to form a stereotype. This is part of human defense. If you gather information that a person is following you down an alley, you're first meeting will be hostile because you are trying to defend yourself. Emotional protection is also triggered by this same process. If you meet someone at a bar, who appears to be drunk, you don't start falling for them, because you know you don't want to be in a relationship with someone like that. So yes stereotypes are a good thing AT TIMES. But if there is no immediate danger, physically or emotionally, that is evoking you to be in a defense mode, then don't continue to judge the person across from you. Instead, finally get to know them and understand them. Not all people are the same, in fact very few are eerily similar. Because if you have a bad first impression of someone, wouldn't you like to change what you think of them, into something more uplifting? Or would you rather avoid, lie, and pretend around people who you think are horrible, but in reality, are quite the opposite?

I just don't know what to say

It's heartbreaking to hear of Libya. It's heartbreaking to hear of the terrible things going on in the middle east, in more the one country, in order to start a new era of democracy. It's heartwrenching to know that if everyone just listened and humbled themselves, that things could be talked about. But pride has torn our world apart. We no longer see each other as brothers and sisters, with common problems, but as an enemy or an ally. We judge, ridicule, and torture others for things that are no different than our own problems. It's been said that things like meth, crack, or heroine are horrible addictive substances. Ones that do alot of damage to the partaker and the loved ones around the deadly substance. But there is a greater drug out there. A substance open to every individual. So subliminal, it goes unnoticed. It effects thousands with it's deadly side effects. It has been around since the beginning of time. It continues to effect our world. Everyone has divulged themselves in this drug. Pride, has reared it's ugly head to those as young as a newborn, to as kindhearted as a nun. Pride is the problem with us. We need to drop our pride. Tear down the wall of pride that divides people from one another, and unite against the troubles of the world.
There will be some who read this, and Pride will stop them from humbling their hearts and realizing they are part of the problem. There will be some who read this and are moved, and want to change. But Pride's deadly side effects will come in and change them back to normal. But the most desired outcome, is that you will read this, and it will hit a thread somewhere inside you, and you will forever truly change into a humble human being.
Time will continue without you, so in the end it's not about you. But what did you do? Who do you love? Besides you?
(a continuation)
The only way to find any compromise between the loves of the world, is to open your mind and heart. Do you realize that the person you despise, has a family, friends, and a life, just like you, that they are trying to protect. Respect one another's beliefs, open up to them, and understand them. You don't have to adopt them as yours, but be able to show sympathy for one another. Humble your pride, and look into your heart for the common ground of humanity.
Even though our race is one of violence and brutality, the root of it all is love. If we could only find that common ground with our enemies, and compare the similarities, we could understand that everything we do, and fight for has a basis of love and adoration. After we discover that, if we could learn to respect one another, by respecting what they love, be it through compromises, or just an abrupt halt to the destruction, the world would finally receive peace.
"If running a country was as easy as twittering, I'd totally want to run a country...I would just make sure everyone was in check, and everyone was nice. It'd be the perfect world. All glamour. All the time." -Kim Kardashian commenting on Egypt
The human race is full of diversity. Things that make one person different from another. But instead of dwelling on these small details, let's accept one another, and grow as a race, then tear one another down.


Imagination is a precious substance. It allows the young to see things that the old have lost the ability to recognize. It dwindles away slowly as time goes on, only becaue a person allows it to be replaced by "real world" concerns.

What's important?

What's more important?
Your hair? Or finding your 9 year old son in another city, drowned and dead, after a flood split your town in half?
Who thinks you're cute? Or defending your house with sticks and rocks, because there is no government in place, and you want to protect what is yours?
Who called you a ***** behind your back? Or finding your relatives under the rubble of your house after a earthquake hit the battle grounds you call home?
Who stole your girl? Or who raided your village and kidnapped your little brother, to train him to be a mindless, heartless, war zombie?
Who started rumors about you? Or whether or not you'll be able to survive on the little food and money you have?
Think about it..
Priorities can often be mixed up, and messed with. And all though, these scenarios may not be applicable to you, think about how much energy you are putting into yourself, and see how much energy you could be putting into the prevention of troubles like these. You could start in your own neighborhood. Help your neighbors. Help the homeless. You can even help the world from the comfort of your computer chair. You don't need to even pay money. Educate yourself. Know what's going on. Check out BBC News for a non-bias perspective. If you know about the world around you, it may even inspire you to help, and you may not dwell on the little things in your school or workplace.

small to large

It's amazing what small events in life, can bring you to an epiphany about much larger things. People mustn't worry themselves with small details in life. They may seem a necessity at the present moment, but when scanning the large novel that represents your life, if this decision does not need a chapter, it's not worth the time or stress. Depression and pain may come from small details in life, but the tiny moments that cause unwanted feelings, sometimes bring the most joyous events later on. Ones that are long-lasting, and wipe away the memory of the small unwanted feelings you had, with the sensation of pure happiness. Cherish these moments, and think very hard, and deep about the moments you spend your time and mental health on.

People may stand in your way, and make you think that one choice is more important than another, but only you can decide what's important for you.