"Be the Change you wish to see in the world" -Gandhi "I will be a Hummingbird, I will do the best that I can." -Wangari Maathai "Where stereotypes begin with a grain of truth, cliches begin with a boulder" - George Watsky "And she's gonna learn, that this life will hit you - hard - in the face - wait for you to get back up just so it can kick you in the stomach, but getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs, how much they like the taste of air." - Sarah Kay "Do not fear what has blown up. If you must, fear the unexploded." -Suheir Hammad

change.

so far: no better.
kinda feel worse.
life sucks.
it's like a roller coaster.
school=escape
sleep=escape
everything else=hell.
ugh. i don't like this. i never liked any of this.
it was forced upon me, and i was supposed to change with it. without a goodbye? without saying everything's ok just a few adjustments. everything will go back to normal?
nope they didn't say it, because it wouldn't.
i'm fine with alot of things.
i truly am.
but i still want to have things i can continue. i don't want everything to change.
but everything did.
so i tried to change with it.
it felt awkward at first.
but i grew into it.
everthing seemed to change every few months.
i grew used to change all the time.
if something didn't change it felt weird.
apparently i shouldn't of changed.
but it felt right.
now i'm screwed.
i changed too much.
i guess they just wanted a couple of changes.
not a new person.
just a new life.
but i misunderstood i guess.
that happens alot today. in the times.
i wish i was in second grade again.
that seems to be the last time i remember being "truly" happy.
people always ask that.
when were you last truly happy.
i just say then because i was innocent and didn't know things were wrong.
and when things changed.
i was always looked at as being able to just accept and move on.
truth i never really got to accept it.
and no matter how much they say that change wasn't my fault.
their unhappiness all those years was, since i was the reason they went through hell.
i guess i was expected to go through the change and come out strong and able to handle everything.
be a role model to kids.
but i don't want to grow up just yet.
i feel like my childhood was robbed of good memories.
memories other kids had that didn't go through the change.
traditions, routines, their's weren't messed up.
i think i kinda resent them.
i want that.
time has passed though.
and the change led to other changes.
it's too late now.
and the other changes were good.
but i never got to say goodbye to the old life.
i was thrust into a new one and expected to say nothing of the old life, for fear it would bring up bad memories, or discomfort.
i miss that life alot sometimes.
i just wish i had a piece of it still....somewhere.
but the change takes all.
the change is a turning point in your life.
like how chrsitians use Jesus's birth to define years.
people use their personal change to define things.
and before the change is gone forever after the change takes place.
a bunch of people know this feeling.
i sympathize.
i hope they handled it better.
and don't feel how i feel now.