When I was a little girl, my dad used to tell me, "think before you speak". It was a common lesson that was retold and retold to me before it actually sunk in. When I was little it was a precaution so I didn't share things that were going on in my parents lives with their family and friends. Soon, it became a survival instinct as I grew into my preteen years and finally my "adult" life. But this filter that I've had to install needs to be changed. Instead of letting ideas flow through my mouth and into the world, it's become clogged and more of a barricade than a filter. But if I lift off my old filter off the process to change it requires that there is a moment with no filter. A moment where what I think comes out in full force. This full force could ultimately hurt someone around me, while relieving the pressure off of me. I don't want that. I don't want a filter. I want a continuous stream of me. One that is steady and comforting. The more filters I replaced the more I morph into what society wants me to be. I don't want society. I don't want to fit in. I want to be me. I want to be accepted for me.
I've become a part of America's workforce at age 18. I don't go out with friends, except for the occasional overnight movie session, because I don't have money and I'm just too tired. My life consists of working! so that I can have an education, so that I can work more, so that I can make money, so that I can have nice things, so that I can have friends. Friends that wint exist if I continualky work and neglect those relationships. Since when is that superficial lifestyle mine? When did I turn into a robot?
As I replace filters, and robotically work for a living, I have deteriorated friendships and an almost nonexistent relationship with my family. I don't listen to music as an experience anymore, but just as a comfort of what once was. I watch tv for entertainment, because I can't afford anything else. If I try reading, I fall asleep. I haven't traveled since last year, and I don't have any plans anytime soon. I am a robot, trapped in the cycle of the workforce.
I want to break free. I want to be the invincible teenager that everyone teases, but why would they tease, let alone notice, if everyone wasn't just jealous of when the too thought nothing could touch them.
So, starting today at 1:18 p.m. on July, 14, 2012, I will be me. I will be happy. I will do the things that bring positivity to my life and to the lives of those around me. I will no longer be a cog in the machine of America. I will be the sore thumb that sticks out. I will be the yellow fish in a sea of black fish. I will be the patch of sunlight in a storm. Because how can you enjoy this world, if you are trying to constantly fit in with those who don't know what they're doing either?
"One tiny moment in time
For life to shine, to shine
Burn away the darkness
You've got one tiny moment in time
For life to shine
To burn away the darkness"